The Key Thing Your Unfair Workload Fight Is Missing

One of the biggest complaints we hear at Awesome Marriage, specifically from wives, is that their house work and child rearing load doesn’t seem even. The wife feels like she is pulling more than her fair share of the load and is bitter and resentful that her husband doesn’t pick up more of the slack. 

Husbands play golf, play video games, watch all the YouTube videos, and scroll mindlessly on their devices while their wives run around like mad women getting it all done. This can be a very real issue and the fighting cycle seems to just go on and on. The wife complains, the husband tries to understand, yet nothing changes. 

I recently had this conversation with a friend of mine. She was so frustrated that her husband got yet another “night off” with the boys while she was stuck at home with the kids after an exhausting week. “I’d like to get a break too!” she exclaimed. To which I asked, “Well did you ask for one?” 

She looked at me blankly. What did I mean? Of course she wants a night off and a break! She’s exhausted and she’s been complaining about it all week to her husband. The thing that was missing is that she never asked for it. In fact, she hadn’t even really defined what she wanted. 

What is a break exactly? What is relaxing to you? When do you want a break? How often and what should it look like? What does your spouse need to do specifically in order to give you that break? 

What’s stopping you from having a night out or planning your own break time? 

The thing that I see that’s missing from this argument is that the overworked spouse isn’t actually asking for what they need. Complaining that you’re tired and overworked does not count. Complaining is not a way to solve problems. Developing solutions solves problems. 

Our spouse cannot read our mind. It’s our job to assess what kind of rest and breaks we need and to ask for them. In my experience, most spouses are willing to do what it takes to give their spouse a break; they just aren’t good at reading our minds and doing it proactively. They need us to ask and be clear about what we want. 

If you feel like the workload is unfair in your marriage, pray and ask God what kind of rest you need and what changes need to be made. Write it down. Be specific about your wants and needs. Then talk it out with your spouse and develop solutions together. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. 

****Though I mention wives being overworked in this specific blog, I recognize that the reverse can absolutely also be true and is true in many marriages. I’m just sharing from a specific experience with a friend and based on the typical emails we receive about this conflict.