Counseling Myths: True or False?
Someone mentioned counseling and my mind flashed to an image of a gray, stiff couch. Directly across sits a wing-back chair where a woman in thick-framed glasses holds a notepad, maintaining a blank stare as I pour out the jumbled emotions I have been trying to pretend aren’t weighing as heavily as they feel. Sterile. Cold. Perhaps a place where my husband and I list out our grievances, and have a referee tell us who, in fact, was really right all along.
We have come a long way in accepting the realities of mental health and encouraging individuals to connect with a counselor, but the same isn’t true for couples who seek counseling. There is a sort of unspoken stigma attached. I have found that women are reluctant to go because of the image it portrays, and men aren’t lining up to have someone else tell them what to do. I talk to couples every day who are at their wits’ end with each other but haven’t even considered counseling. There is an idea that marriage counseling is just a means of having someone rash out judgements on who is the good guy and who is the bad guy, and then you will go home feeling even more disconnected than when you first sat on that couch.
Even though I encouraged and eventually begged my husband, I never really expected he would go. And I honestly did not expect it to help. Our church connected us with a local Christian counselor. The days leading up to our first appointment held a mix of emotions, and we repeatedly considered cancelling.
We showed up, waited together, and were kindly greeted. The couch wasn’t gray, our counselor was a man, and he didn’t have thick glasses frames. Here are a few things I learned.
Christian counselors aren’t referees. In fact, I would say the majority of big revelations and shifts in perspective came from within. He prompted us with questions and helped navigate the conversation so that we could start to reconnect and better understand one another.
Counseling doesn’t mean you’re weak. I would say the opposite is true. Being able to admit that there are things in your relationship that need attention and that you value it enough to give attention means you are prioritizing your marriage and willing to work for it.
Connecting with a counselor doesn’t mean there is a problem. Your marriage doesn’t have to be in trouble to find someone to support it, just like you don’t have to be sick to go for a yearly wellness doctor visit. Sometimes, counseling is a preventative measure. It’s no secret even the best marriages fall into complacency. Having someone hold you accountable to keep growing your marriage, even in really good seasons, makes you more likely to survive the seasons of struggle.
Setting boundaries in your marriage doesn’t mean you have trust issues or you’re a control freak. Healthy boundaries within and around your marriage are a sign you value it. I think we all know that this can be taken to extremes, so having an objective party pour Godly wisdom and counsel into your relationship will help ensure that your motives are pure and your heart truly is for your marriage.
I could write a book on the ways counseling encouraged my marriage and opened the door for the growth my husband and I have seen the last few years. Growth that I’m sure wouldn’t have happened without us taking the step to talk with someone. If you’ve never considered counseling, I’m encouraging you now to pray about it. Make the phone call, ask your friends, talk with your pastor, and see if they can point you to someone they have used and trust. You will never regret making the effort to grow and pour into your marriage regardless of how uncomfortable it may seem at first.