I Went Into Marriage Thinking I Could Figure It All Out

Recently, I have been thinking and writing about love. Nancy and I have spent a lot of time together talking about love. In my last blog, I began sharing with you some of our thoughts and conversations. This blog continues the conversation.

I have always been a perfectionist of sorts. Some people who know me pretty well would ask, “What’s with the ‘of sorts’? You are a perfectionist - period.” Being a perfectionist has its pros and cons. In my work, it pays off. I want to do everything with excellence whether in the counseling room or leading Awesome Marriage. The cons come with intangible things like marriage. Do I want a perfect marriage? Yes. Is that even possible? No. 

Whether consciously or subconsciously, I went into marriage thinking I could figure it out, communicate it well to Nancy, and have this whole “perfect marriage” thing nailed down for a lifetime. I worked really hard at it for a long time. There were two problems. First, Nancy was not really on board with my plan for our marriage. Second, my project was doomed to failure. Realizing that was one of the great awakenings of my life. It was also a necessity if our marriage was to survive. Yet, one thing about my plan made sense and was worth salvaging. Having a plan was actually a good idea. Mine needed just one change: It could not be my plan for our marriage, it had to be God’s. 

So I began to view marriage as a highway. The highway begins with “I dos” at the altar and ends after a lifetime together. Along that highway are bumps and potholes, detours and exits (which are never a good idea). The highway is built for three - husband, wife, and God. The goal of a marriage is to stay on the highway and stay focused on the route toward an awesome marriage. Everything I do each day needs to be towards that goal. If it isn't, the bumps, potholes, detours, and exits come into play. Sometimes they come into play anyway. Life sometimes just happens. But if I stay focused on the goal, I can recover and get back on a nice, smooth highway. 

Love grows as we ride along the highway if the right One is driving the car. When Nancy or I drive the car, we are much more likely to encounter a road hazard. When we let God drive the car, things are so much different. We focus on each other. We both focus on Him. When we focus on Him, the distractions don’t seem so overwhelming and we can deal with them. All of that lays the foundation for our love for each other to grow, and it does.

Kim: I think that in the early years of our marriage, I wanted Nancy to love me more than I loved her. It gave me some type of false security. It made me feel more in control. It made me think that she would never leave me. So I worked hard at keeping the imbalance in place. The truth was that I was holding back. I did not want to get hurt so I put up an invisible wall to protect myself. It is interesting how we can think things that are so completely ridiculous and unhealthy are working. For me, I finally realized I was missing out on what I really desired to have in my marriage: Love. Love that grows and grows and grows. Love that is willing to risk all. Love as God intended it to be in marriage.  

Nancy: I can look back on that and realize it was an insecure type of love. I needed you to be a provider, a father. My love was more a reliance on you and what you could do, rather than just loving who you were as a man and a person. As a whole, I referred to all the things we’ve been through. Part of that was me being an anxious person. You were so patient with me through that, and through a major depression. That did deepen my love for you. I learned to understand how to receive pure agape love. Not a sexual love, or something that was more like infatuation, but a more mature love. I knew you really loved me, and I knew what that love meant, and that changed my life. 

Now it’s your turn: 

How would you describe the love for your spouse in the early years of your marriage?  

Did you ever hold back to protect your heart?

How would you rate your love in your marriage today on a one to 10 scale, with 10 being amazing?

How would you describe God’s perfect plan for love in a marriage?