3 Mistakes Couples Make When They "Try" Counseling

I’ve seen a lot of couples “try” counseling and give up. They say “it didn’t work for them.” Or they go a few times and say it helped but then settle back into their marriage issues with no real resolve and no real plan to improve their marriage. 

Counseling does work when you have the right counselor (one who is Biblically informed and connected to God) and when you're both committed to going and working hard. To help you on your journey I wanted to share some common mistakes I see in hopes that you’ll avoid them. 

Here are 3 common mistakes I see couples make when they try counseling and say it doesn’t work for them:

1) Not going regularly enough. 

Change doesn’t happen in an instant. A lot of couples seem to think 2-3 sessions are going to solve all their marriage problems, and that’s just not likely. A lot of couples treat counseling like they treat cleaning out the garage. When I see it’s a wreck they’ll spend a few hours fixing it then when it’s a wreck again in a few months they spend another hour on it. 

Couples will schedule a counseling appointment then wait a few months, schedule another and only end up going a few times in a year. I get the thought process behind it. I just don’t think it works. 

If you’re struggling in your marriage or if your marriage is in trouble you're going to need more than occasional counseling. You need consistent counseling for a decent amount of time. One hour of practical help isn’t going to last you for months. If you’re having issues then you have work to do. It’s going to take checking in with a counselor, many conversations, and action steps to see the results you need. 

If you’re having issues I recommend going to counseling every other week for a while. Set up recurring counseling appts for every other week and keep that schedule for a minimum of 6 months. 

2) Not being prepared for the counseling session. 

Your counselor can help you see things you aren’t seeing and give you tools to improve your marriage. But they can’t do that if they don’t know what’s going on in your marriage. You have to share stories with them, share about your conflict, and share about how you each made each other feel, so that the counselor can assess what’s going on and prescribe the right next step for you. 

I recommend writing things down when they happen so you know what to talk about in your sessions with your counselor. Have a counseling journal. Take notes about what happened in your marriage conflict and about what you want to ask the counselor. 

It’s not about tattling on each other. It’s about bringing your real issues to counseling. If you want counseling to be effective you need to be vigilant about sharing with the counselor. 

3) Not giving counseling the time it deserves. 

Couples spend months and years unintentionally building issues in their marriage. They are not going to get solved in a day. It’s going to take more than a couple appointments. 

I can’t tell you how many couples tell me they are getting divorced and that they “tried counseling,” only to hear that they went to maybe 10 appointments. That’s like saying you “tried working out” and went to the gym just 10 times. If you’re trying to get healthy and improve your heart health and strength, 10 workouts aren’t going to cut it. If you’re trying to solve issues in your marriage, 10 counseling sessions might just be the beginning. 

Again - you’ve spent years with these issues and habits and misunderstandings. It's going to take time and commitment to counseling to solve them. So I encourage you to give counseling the time to work. 

Most couples will see some improvements after 6 months. If you’re not seeing it by then discuss your discouragement with your counselor. Be honest with your counselor and figure out next steps together. Maybe there are improvements and progress you aren’t seeing that they can point out. Maybe there is a step on one of your parts that hasn’t been done and needs to be prioritized. Your counselor can help with that! 

If counseling is your next step I pray that recognizing these common mistakes will help you in your counseling journey. Keep working hard to heal and strengthen your marriage - you won’t regret it!