Insights from Dr. Kim: Where is Your Focus Today?

Since I have been counseling couples for a long time, I know that there have always been things that distract people from their marriage. It’s just that in the last ten years we have added in a lot of new distractions. Today a husband may be distracted by work, golf or video games. A wife may be distracted by work, social media, or friends. The time we can spend -- or actually do spend -- on electronic devices usually surprises most of us. Then there are meetings, kids’ practices, and you can fill in the blank.

The truth is that none of the above are bad in and of themselves but when they interfere with our marriage with any consistency, they become issues. When I talk with couples about their focus, I usually get a response similar to this, “We know we need to spend more time together but we are just too busy.” My answer is usually something like this, “If you don’t find time to spend together now, you will be living like roommates and miss out on most of the reasons you got married in the first place.”

Most of you that follow Awesome Marriage know that one of our main mantras is “God first, spouse second.” Any time we put something or someone else in the place of God or our spouse, we are asking for trouble. Putting God first orders everything else in my life. When I put Him first, He would have me put nothing and no one but Nancy in second. All too often, this gets out of focus for us. Actually, it comes down to what we choose. Do we choose something good or do we choose the best? Kids, work, social media, friends, video games, golf, and all kinds of other things in our lives are good. For us kids, and now grandkids, are a huge part of our lives but our focus has to remain God first, each other second.

Someone reading this today is pushing back at the “spouse above kid” thing. I get it. I agree that kids are the greatest blessing we receive together in our marriage, but kids grow up and leave and if you have not nurtured your marriage, you have nothing left. Besides one of the things God wants us to do is model a good, healthy marriage for our kids. No one can do that like the two of you and a good marriage gives lots of security to your kids.  

This is what I have learned. God and Nancy are the best focus. Kids, grandkids, and all the other things are good focuses. Here is the key: Focusing first on the best makes focusing on the good so much better. Where is your focus today? Where do you want it to be? What is a first step for you in getting your focus on track?