What's Your Problem, Actually?
You can’t see a mural painted on the side of a building if your face is smashed up against it. It’s only when you take a few steps back that you can see the real thing; the full picture. In the same way, most people can’t see their own problems for what they really are. We’re too close to them.
Marriage problems are definitely this way. They live in our homes, in our hearts, in our bedrooms, in our thought life. You can’t get any closer than that. If you haven’t had the help of a friend, mentor, counselor, or the Holy Spirit, there’s a good chance you don’t know the real problem in your marriage.
You may know the symptoms. In fact, you probably know the symptoms like you know your favorite quotes from your favorite Netflix show because you talk about them over and over again, repeating the same “talk” with your spouse that gets you nowhere and repeating the same complaints to all your friends.
Maybe your symptoms look like these: Spouse spends too much time on their phone, spouse doesn’t help enough around the house or with the kids, your spouse is too critical, your spouse rejects sex or doesn’t initiate sex, your spouse doesn’t spend time pleasing you in the bedroom the way you want them to, your spouse works too much, or your spouse has problem x y or z.
But knowing the symptoms is not the same thing as knowing the problem. The problem isn’t that your spouse spends too much time on their phone; it's that they aren’t valuing time with you.
Even if you were to treat the symptoms, that would only be a temporary fix because the actual problem wouldn’t be brought to light and dealt with.
If there is a problem in your marriage, do the heavy lifting to intentionally define it. Pray and ask God to show you the real problem and the root of it. Seek help from friends. Invite your trusted friends who love Jesus to speak truth into your life, even when it’s convicting and it stings. Talk to a marriage mentor or marriage counselor. Ask yourself good questions.
Here are some questions I might ask myself:
What is it that is upsetting me?
How does that make me feel?
What am I assuming about my situation?
What am I assuming about my spouse?
How is my pride or my sin affecting the issue?
How have I been responding to the problem? Has my response been adding to the problem at all?
Where do I need to repent in this issue?
What could God be teaching me here?
After working through some questions and praying now how would I define our marriage problem?
What are some things I could do to help solve this problem?
How should I go about communicating this to my spouse?
How can we work as a team to solve this problem?
If there is an issue in your marriage, get to the real root of it. Define it. Talk about it. Then make a plan together to solve it.
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Written By Christina Dodson, COO of Awesome Marriage