Relationship Cleanup

A few months ago, I spent the afternoon cleaning up the remnants of an epic ice storm that hit Oklahoma. Our backyard looked like a war zone, there was a hole in our roof and our neighborhood was without power for a week or more. It was the type of situation that perfectly fit the narrative for 2020. 

I got the kids down for a nap and headed to the back yard. I drug limb by limb to a pile in the front. One after another, I slowly started to see the ground layer of our backyard. Surprisingly enough after less than two hours I had completely knocked out all the big limbs. Despite my efforts, not a blade of grass was exposed, because there remained a blanket of leaves and tiny limbs covering my once neatly manicured yard. It’s been three weeks of clean up and I still don’t have all the leaves gone.

The big limbs got my immediate attention, so I addressed them quickly. When I looked out my kitchen window, they were the eyesore in the yard, and the part of clean-up I was eager to get done. They distracted me from the ground layer that was a mess all of its own.  The heavy lifting, the hard work, was actually the hundreds of thousands of tiny leaves and limbs covering the ground beneath it. And just like that, I was convicted about how closely this mirrors my marriage.

Isn’t it just like us to come out swinging when the big things happen? They get our attention and our immediate effort. And in doing so, we tend to overlook the tons of little things that start to build up and eventually cover the foundation of our relationship. Affairs and financial strain demand our response, but what about the little lie here, the belittling comment there, or even the lingering look at something we know doesn’t benefit our marriage? The hundreds of little things that when left untouched lead to bitterness, resentment and disconnection in our relationships. The ones that change the atmosphere of our marriage and make us forget what it looked like before. 

Today I encourage you not let the big limbs in your relationship cause you to overlook the leaves. The leaves are the tedious part. They are the parts that require us to be intentional, vulnerable and transparent with our spouse day in and day out. The little conflicts that we often push under the rug are the very ones that shake the foundation of marriages if left untouched, and can heighten the blow of the bigger disruptions. Today, let’s commit to doing the work in our marriage every day, not just to clean up after a storm.

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By Tiffany Miller, Awesome Marriage Care Coordinator