Making Mistakes

Have you ever made a mistake in your marriage? If you answered “no,” email me. (drkim@awesomemarriage.com) 

We all make mistakes in marriage. I counsel so many people who are stuck in their past mistakes. Their spouse has forgiven them. God has forgiven them. Yet, they cannot forgive themselves. When that happens your love in your marriage will not grow. Not even a little bit. Why? Because you think that you are unworthy of love. Here is the thing: you are worthy of love. I know. I used to do the same thing to myself. I would make a mistake. I would tell God and Nancy that I was sorry. I knew they both forgave me but it came too easy. It’s an interesting phenomenon how we think we have to suffer to be forgiven.  

From a 30,000-foot view, the idea of not forgiving myself makes no sense, but too often on the ground it somehow seems to be true. It is not! So you may wonder how I broke out of that pattern. It was not easy but some real truths began to replace the lies I was believing, like, “I am not worthy of love.” First, if God forgives me, why do I think that I have the right to not forgive myself? He created everything. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows thoughts that no one else knows. All of that and I am forgiven. Second, if I learn from my mistakes, God has a way of redeeming them.  

I have a temper. It does not come out often now but there was a time I wore it right below the surface. I embarrassed myself and Nancy way too many times. It was becoming a wedge between us. I would always apologize to her but I never took seriously making any changes and so the cycle repeated. Through some really serious talks with Nancy, I knew I had to change. I was repeating my mistake instead of learning from it. 

Today, I can still feel the anger at times but I have learned to harness it. God opened my eyes to see the damage I was doing. I embarrassed Nancy. I lashed out at people I didn't even know and it was not doing a lot for my witness as a Christian. God took this mistake and used it as another step to grow me into who He designed me to be. Let me tell you how good God is. When I talk about my temper in the past, people look at me like I am nuts. They can't believe it. I am a different person. Through all of this I not only experienced more of God's love, I also experienced more of Nancy’s love.  

Overtime with Nancy:

Nancy: Sometimes I look back and I catch myself rueing certain things that I said or did. But I'm really working on that, because I’ve sought the Lord’s forgiveness on that, and on things I've specifically asked your forgiveness for. I need to forgive myself for those mistakes and shortcomings. If it wasn’t for me, we would have had a better marriage a lot sooner. 

Kim: But I wouldn’t have had any marriage if you weren’t in it!

Nancy: I’m just saying, this is where healthy families can push a healthy person out of the nest. You helped me become healthy. I’m passionate about this, because healthier parents can raise kids that are healthy and can go out in the world as healthy, responsible citizens, parents, providers and homemakers, whatever they’re called to. A healthy marriage can do so much good for this world. It can make such an impact, and it’s what we need in this world. 

Kim: So do you feel like you’ve forgiven yourself for most things now? 

Nancy: I have to catch myself sometimes, but I do feel like I have. 

Kim: I think so. Forgiveness has always been pretty easy for me. That may be because of the way I grew up. My parents never held anything I did over me. I was disciplined then it was never brought up again. I think that taught me that you forgive, then you move on. The only things I have struggled with is when I think of times that I felt like I’d hurt you. Those were hard because I never wanted to hurt you. If I hurt you emotionally, that was hard for me. 

Nancy: I can’t think of anything like that. 

Kim: Most of them were probably earlier on. Someone told me a long time ago that if God can forgive you, why can’t you forgive yourself? That was probably the best counsel I heard about that. 

Nancy: That’s right. I heard someone say that to dwell on things and not forgive yourself is like thinking Jesus should get back onto the cross and be re-nailed. That’s powerful. In not forgiving yourself, it’s like you’re saying that his death, burial and resurrection aren’t enough. 

For You:

You will make mistakes. My questions for you are: 

• How will you handle the mistakes you make? 

• How are you doing with forgiving yourself? 

• Is there anything you have not forgiven yourself for? If there is, take it before God. He has the answer you need. 

“Free yourself up to grow the love between you, your spouse and God.”