Is it Time To Let Go?

Today will finish the 4-part series on the “wrenches” we throw into our marriage. Sometimes our wrenches have become such a part of our lives that we do not realize that we are still carrying them or the damage they can do. As long as we carry them there is still the chance that we could throw them. Let’s look at our last “wrench” this week.

The only person or thing that needs to be second (next to God) in your life is your spouse. God is number one and your spouse is number two. It seems so simple. Then life gets in the way. You make an excuse. You spend a little more time away from home than you know is best. Your spouse is still on your list, but has fallen pretty far from that number two position. Often the things we put ahead of our spouse are not bad things. It could be volunteer work, hobbies, sports, friends, church or you fill in the blank. These are not bad things but they become detrimental to your marriage when you elevate them above your spouse. The goal is for your spouse to always know he/she is number two day after day, month after month, and year after year. If you don’t, you will gradually drift apart and the love you dreamed of sharing and growing will drift away too.  

There are some things that take second place, or even first place, that aren’t good at all. Things like drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pornography, or another person. I think it is so important for each of us to be honest about our vulnerabilities. We all have them. As much as I love and cherish Nancy, I have vulnerabilities. By being aware of them, I can pray for God to protect me and help me make decisions each day that honor Him and my marriage. 

The bottom line is this: Anyone or anything that is not good for your marriage needs to go, and you need to lock the door behind it. It is never worth the risk or worth giving into the temptation. It’s about drawing a hard line in the sand, then filling it with concrete so it becomes a boundary forever.   

Kim: Nancy, what were some things that could take us away from putting God first, and each other second? 

Nancy: Obviously the kids. Then stuff you can buy. I just wanted clothes and things like that, shopping for this and that for you and the kids. All the “stuff” of this world got in my way a lot. I also think that drinking was taking a huge part away from my relationship with God first, and also you. It became too important to me. 

Kim: Do you want to talk about that process of quitting?

Nancy: Yes. I felt like God had been telling me for a while. I think he first started pricking my conscience when we were adopting Grant, back in the early ‘70s, and we had to tell them at this particular home that we didn’t drink. I felt so guilty that we were lying to them, but we did. I think God pricked me at that point. I thought maybe I shouldn’t be drinking. I lived with that for years, and this is why I think I may be alcoholic even though I wasn’t knock-down drunk or anything like that -- I wouldn't give it up. I didn’t want to give it up. I enjoyed it too much. I looked forward to it too much. I’m not an expert, but I think that’s a definition of an alcoholic. I think that became so important to me that even though we didn’t drink on nights during the week, I would look forward on Wednesday to the weekend so we could drink. It became almost an obsession. I think any time you get that into something, it’s not healthy. 

Kim: So for you, at that point you were putting that above God.

Nancy: I was. 

Kim: So talk about how you told me about that. 

Nancy: It happened pretty suddenly, since God had been pricking my conscience for so long. One day, it was February 24th, 2011, I was in the shower praying and thanking God. I thought, “Why don’t I just quit drinking? Well, because I don’t want to.” The Lord seemed to be speaking, not audibly, but to my heart, and said, “If you really want to put me first, this has got to get out of the way.” So I made the commitment right then that I wasn’t going to do that anymore. Of course, that night we were going to a party that was a wine tasting. You asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, and I said that no, I quit drinking. 

Kim: I think my head spun. You hadn’t told me, but you said you’d talked to God about it. We’d talked about it, but you had not talked as much to me. 

Nancy: Well, if I talked about it, that would be an admission. If I talked about something God was telling me to do, but I didn’t do it, what would that say about me? Either I’m an alcoholic or just a bad Christian! It was easier to just ignore it. 

Kim: I don't think there were too many things I put above you. I think there were things I pushed to accomplish. Like when we remodeled the house we bought and I was so adamant about putting in a swimming pool. You were adamant that we should not. Looking back, I see that I  valued that more than your opinion and your wishes, and pushed ahead with it. 

In my own personal life, there are so many things we can get caught up in and for a long time I didn’t do a very good job evaluating how those would affect our marriage. I think I do a better job of that now and it’s easier for me to take the time to look at that. I think that’s something the Lord grew me in over time. Not that I can’t fall into that still, but I have grown. It wasn’t like I ever chased bad things, so if I compared myself to other people, I’d think, “I’m not having an affair. I’m not doing anything detrimental to my marriage,” so it seemed okay. But I could get caught up in buying things or making things happen.

Next Steps: This is the time to get honest with yourself and with each other. Is there something or someone in your life that needs to go? What or who is it? What is your first step in letting go? Is there a “good thing” in your life that is not good for your marriage? What is it? What is your action step? Do you need to eliminate it altogether or simply put it in it’s proper priority spot in your life?