Insights from Dr. Kim: What’s the Big Deal with Consistency?

I’m going to tell you about a common counseling scenario. A couple comes in for their first session with me. They tell me their story and what they want to accomplish through counseling.  Together, we work through the issues they are dealing with and devise a plan to improve their marriage. That is the simplified version, of course. It can take time to work through issues and help them understand why their marriage is struggling. It takes time to help them reconnect and to see themselves as a team. It’s a process in building a marriage.

A marriage does not improve through counseling alone. A couple will need to follow through on  the things that we talk about in their counseling sessions. Let’s say a couple’s homework is to spend fifteen minutes a day connecting without distractions. That means they have to decide on that time and make whatever arrangements each of them needs to make so that connecting is a daily priority. Connecting every day as husband and wife is an essential part of an awesome marriage.  

A week later the same couple comes in to see me for their second session. They did not connect every day, but four of the seven days. They agreed that the days they connected were better days for them and for their marriage. I encourage them with the steps they have made and also stress the importance of connecting every day. Fast forward a few weeks and they are getting it. They are connecting every day. Their communication is improving, they understand each other better, and they are accomplishing what they wanted when they came to counseling in the first place.  

Moving forward, the key for this couple is consistency. If they miss a day, they get back on track the next day and never miss two days in a row. With God’s help they begin to value each other and their marriage again. If they stay consistent, their marriage will continue to grow and be everything God designed it to be. If they are not consistent, they will probably be back in my office or another counselor’s office with the same issue they started with - or worse.  

I wish I knew why consistency is so hard for so many. There are probably a lot of reasons, from busyness to not prioritizing. A marriage needs nurturing every day. You cannot build up equity.  We start over everyday, but when we continue to string those days together, amazing things can happen in your marriage. Are you consistent with daily connection time with your spouse? If so, keep it up. If not, talk together and come up with a plan that builds that into your marriage every day. You will be amazed what consistency in the positive things can do for your marriage!

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