Questions for Dr. Kim

Question: I am engaged to a wonderful man:) who has never been married nor has children. I have 4 children from my previous relationship. My fiance loves my kids and I know in my heart my children love him too. My issue is the ex- putting negativity in our childrens’ heads that at times they come back home with an attitude. What do I do to prevent this from hurting my relationship with my future husband?

Dr. Kim: This situation is not unique and I see it far too often.  My biggest concern in these situations is that the children are dragged into continuing conflict between the parents.  It is not fair to the kids.  That being said, you cannot control what is said at your ex’s house when he has the kids.  What you can control is what they experience with you and with your fiance.  It is my experience that the healthiest role for a step-parent is one of an adult friend.  That way he is not taking the place of their father but is able to develop a relationship with them.  Over time this should make a difference.  Hopefully their father will not see your fiancee as a threat but someone that also loves the kids and takes good care of them when they are around him.  

Question: Can the love you have for someone you've not met be real? And when you cannot raise the money to marry a lady, is that a sign that she's not divined to be yours?

Dr. Kim: It takes time for a relationship to develop.  I have seen this done very effectively by couples separated by distance using messages, chat, email, and other tools.  I do think that at some point a couple needs to be in a situation where they can see each other often.  It gives them a chance to continue to learn more about each other and the relationship.

I do not know if the lack of finances is a sign to end the relationship but I do know that couples that marry with finances being a problem struggle greatly in marriage.  Get your finances in order and then see who is around.