Another Wrench in the Cycle

Last blog, I talked about the idea of throwing a wrench into our marriage that takes us away from what we really want. Sometimes our wrenches have become such a part of our lives that we do not realize that we are still carrying them or the damage they can do. As long as we carry them there is still the chance that we could throw them. Let’s look at one type of “wrench” this week.

The first wrench is the arsenal of information that we each have on our spouse. By the time Nancy and I got married we knew each other pretty well. We spent a lot of time together while dating. At the end of 10 years of marriage, we knew each other even better. Our knowledge of each other exponentially increased year after year. There are so many benefits to being a student of your spouse and knowing them better and better year after year. The more I learned about Nancy, the better I could serve her, love her, and make her life better. I learned what she liked and did not like. I learned what made her feel safe and secure. I learned what it took to be the husband she wanted and needed. 

I also learned some other things as I knew her better and better. I learned what bugged her and what irritated her. I learned her weaknesses and fears. I learned how to win fights. I learned how to manipulate her. I acquired an arsenal of information that I could use to get my way and live a life of selfishness. Never should I use any of this in a selfish way. 

If a couple is to experience all God has for them in their marriage, they have to take risks. They have to be willing to be transparent and vulnerable with each other. They have to trust at a level they have never trusted before. When Nancy let me know her at the deepest levels, it was a sacred trust she put in me. She trusted me to never use this knowledge to hurt her in any way. Honestly, there were a few times I broke this trust. I hated the results. She put a wall of protection up and it took a lot of time and effort for her to let that wall down and trust at a deep level again.  

Nancy: I certainly did this lot early on. I weaponized your mother. She was so supportive of me, so when you would say or do something I didn’t like, I would call her. One time you didn’t want to take me somewhere and I called her about it. Then she called you and said, “Take her!” I basically tattled on you. But that was so early on we were just kids. 

I think later on, I did use some things I knew would bug you when we were out with other people. You never wanted other people to see the bad side of our relationship, and I’d deliberately sabotage that. I would just say something like, “I’m really mad at him.” And I’d threaten you with it - like if we were at dinner or a party with friends, I’d threaten to tell them what you’d said to me when you were angry. 

Kim: I think part of that was the fact that I always did want others to have this image that we had a great marriage. Part of it was pride, and part of it was that it was what I really wanted. I saw my parents always stay pretty private with their problems, and that influenced me. 

Where is the trust in your marriage today? You have a lot of information about each other. Do you use it for good or not? Sometimes we use this information to get our way and don’t even realize what we are doing. Sometimes our spouse is so used to it that they don’t even notice it, but it is there. The wall is up and may have been up for a long time. If this is you, it’s time to take that wall down! The trust needs to flow like a river that never ends. That arsenal of information that you have acquired over the years about each other needs to be used solely for the good of each other and your marriage.

Next Step: How do you use the information you have about each other? Do you use it to nurture, love, and come alongside each other, or to get your own way? What needs to stop? What needs to start?