5 Questions To Ask Your Spouse For A Better Sex Life
Want to improve your sex life, but don’t know where to start?
Five questions can help you discover growth areas to improve together for better married sex.
It’s such a common frustration. That’s where most couples seem to find themselves. Maybe the passion that was once there has been overshadowed by life circumstances, busyness or lagging desire. Maybe you’re sexually frustrated, tired of feeling rejected, and your spouse won’t talk about it with you.
If this is you, you are certainly not alone! It’s a common problem we hear about from so many couples that we’ve created an online course to help. Dr. Kim Kimberling created the Achieving Awesome Sex In Marriage course to tackle the most common issues he helps couples deal with.
Dr. Kim tells us from his 40+ years of experience as a marriage counselor that most couples have never had an actual conversation about their sex life. They have most likely argued over it, but it is rare that they have actually talked about it in a productive way.
In this situation, the spouses are frustrated because communication about sex hasn’t gone well in the past. It ended with one or both spouses feeling misunderstood or hurt. The conversation may have actually created more problems, rather than solving the existing ones. And obviously, those things will not help to solve the issues that you were trying to resolve.
Now you’re reluctant to bring it up, even though you’d really like to be able to talk and share openly with your spouse. They’re your closest relationship, after all. When God created marriage, his idea for it was a closeness where “two become one,” and both spouses are able to be “naked and unashamed,” not only in the sexual relationship, but by feeling safe enough to be vulnerable with each other (Genesis 2:24-25).
One great way to bring up the conversation is by asking your spouse 5 questions, which I’ll share with you here. But first, we need to understand what might be contributing to the communication breakdown in order to make sure it does not happen again.
An Indicator Light on the Dashboard
When issues show up in the bedroom, there are a number of relational factors that could be playing a part. That’s why in some ways, the sexual relationship can be seen as an indicator of the marriage’s health. If your trust suffers, your sex life suffers. If your marriage is lacking in the vulnerability department, the sexual relationship will suffer. Feeling safe and comfortable together, having great communication, and trusting each other completely are all required for a marriage to thrive – and for great sex.
This might seem like a lot to be talking about when you thought you were just going to target the sex issues you’ve been having. But don’t be discouraged!
The great news is that this also means taking steps to repair and improve your connection and communication, and to build your trust and vulnerability with each other, will pay off by bringing you closer to not only the marriage relationship you hope for, but the satisfying sexual intimacy you crave.
As you overcome the cycle of either fighting about sex or avoiding the issue altogether, your connection will improve. Underlying issues that you have avoided or that have caused pain in the past can begin to be addressed. It will take some work, but it will also help grow your marriage in more ways that you even expected.
Breaking the conflict cycle before it starts
In order to change the conversation, you will need to take a new approach. Rather than bringing issues that are bothering you up to your spouse, come to the conversation with curiosity. Think of yourself as a student of your spouse. See what’s on their mind and prepare to listen well and listen to understand, even if their perspective differs from yours.
You will gain helpful information this way, and in addition, simply having a positive and productive conversation that goes well will help unburden your marriage of the tension that has come to be associated with sex. You’ll no longer feel like you’re on eggshells with the mention of the topic once you know you can talk about it without fighting. You’ll gain confidence knowing that you’re on the same team and you can work through this together.
Positive communication will also help to build the trust and connection between you, both of which are essential to great sex. Then you can work together - again, teamwork! - to improve the areas you both want to grow in.
A few more essential tips for this:
Set aside the time for this conversation when you know you two won’t be distracted or interrupted.
Don’t spring the conversation on your spouse when they’re unaware.
Don’t bring it up during lovemaking!
Remember not to get defensive, even if they don’t see things the same way you do.
If the conversation does get tense, remind one another that your goal is to improve things together, not to be “right.”
Now for the questions!
When you ask your spouse these questions, listen well to their answers. Resist any temptation to get defensive. Their perspective is how they see it. You may see things differently – in fact, it’s almost certain you will! Our gender differences naturally give us a unique lens toward sex, but other factors such as personality, past and preference will also come into play.
Your season of life matters too. A spouse who was very free with sex in a previous season may feel differently now. Circumstances including having kids or other family members in the home, varying stress levels, or physical changes that have occurred, can change the way we approach sex. Relational tension between spouses will come into play. Hormonal changes affect both men and women and can bring changes that affect your sex life.
There are solutions for these problems. But your goal here is getting the conversation started, and learning all you can about your spouse’s take on these 5 questions.
5 Questions To Ask your Spouse About Sex
On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you being totally naked with me? Why?
On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you talking about sex with me? Why?
On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you expressing yourself in the bedroom? (Do you feel free during sex and free to enjoy an orgasm however you want to express it?) Why did you give that rating?
On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you telling me what you want in the bedroom?
Do you ever feel rejected by me when it comes to sex? If so, what happens to make you feel rejected?
Don't try to change or fix their perspective. Instead, ask: How can we work together to grow in this? And what can I do to help?
It’s so common for couples to get hung up over past hurt feelings and tiptoe around the topic, but once you have successfully started the sex conversation, you’ll feel empowered as a couple that you are able to navigate the tougher stuff well together, plus you’ll begin to see the benefits in the bedroom!
We believe God has a beautiful plan for the sex in your marriage! Not only for pleasure and enjoyment, but to bond you closer together and to strengthen and grow your marriage.