10 Common Marriage Problems & How to Fix Them

It’s impossible to name all the most common marriage problems in married life, but, here is one of the best lists that you should seriously study.

Study this list of common marital problems faced by married couples, and learn to consistently apply the solutions offered. Doing so will ensure that problems in your marriage don’t eventually lead to divorce.

1.) Selfishness

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3

If I had to choose two of the most common marriage problems I have observed lead to more divorces than I can count, selfishness would definitely be tied at #1. The sad thing about this problem in relationships is the fact that one rarely notices they are being selfish.

After all, if they love you, they should do “this” and they should do “that” right? I get it. I do. The problem with that way of thinking is, spouses tend to fail to follow the model shown by the relationship between Jesus and the church. Jesus’s relationship with the church wasn’t based on what He was getting. Jesus’ relationship with the church was based on what He was giving. A relationship is FOR giving. (Pun intended.)

Having a happy marriage includes a married life where husbands and wives mutually submit to each other’s wants and needs. By submitting, I mean the biblical definition of submission. A submission where spouses are mutually committed to meeting the desires of each other.

What’s the common problem with selfishness in marriage? One spouse usually ends up prioritizing their desires, expectations, or needs over the other spouse. As a result, the spouse who is not being prioritized tends to feel unloved, unimportant, or even resentful.

Solution: Keep in mind that marriage isn’t solely about you, it’s about you two. Jesus’s relationship with the church is meant to be an earthly example of a heavenly union. Seek to copy that.

2.) Pride

“For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.” 1 John 2:16

Pride ends more marriages than death does. Pride is tied at #1 for the most common marriage problem. Why is that? Pride causes marriage issues because oftentimes spouses refuse to admit their wrongs. When we refuse to admit wrongs long enough, those wrongs continue in our marriage unfixed.

Imagine being married to a verbally abusive wife. Now imagine that spouse refusing to say, “I’m sorry.” Imagine the problems you will have in your marriage when you feel that it’s always your fault for issues in your marriage and rarely the fault of your spouse.

Solution: Understand that no one who walks this earth’s surface is perfect. Everyone has sins they need to work on by having a relationship with Jesus. Look at your faults as an opportunity to improve who you are, not an opportunity to make you feel bad about who you are.

If you are dealing with a spouse that is extremely prideful, put them around groups or a community of people that can hold them accountable. 

3.) Unforgiveness

“And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:25

It’s amazing to me how unforgiving spouses can be. Especially when as imperfect humans we constantly need forgiveness for our sins daily. As a Christian, how can you consistently sin against our God and expect forgiveness while stubbornly holding a grudge against your spouse?

If you’re not Christian, you would at least agree that no one is perfect and because of that everyone will make mistakes. How many mistakes have you made against your spouse?

Here is a better question. How many times have you repeated the same “mistake” that you were asking forgiveness for?

How do I prevent unforgiveness from causing marriage problems? 

Solution: Learn to apply the same grace given to us by Jesus, to your spouse. How do you do that practically? First, keep in mind that you constantly cause issues in your marriage that your spouse has to forgive you for. Secondly, have patience. It often takes time to get better. It often takes time to do better. Take it day by day. Lastly, pray that God changes your hearts.

4.) Negativity

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” Matthew 7:1

Dealing with a very negative spouse makes it difficult to have a happy married life. Why does having a negative spouse cause marriage issues?  Negativity creates an environment that isn’t pleasant to be around. When married couples no longer enjoy being around each other, the married couples become unmarried couples.

Solution: Pray for your spouse. Get them more involved in church. Put them around positive people. It isn’t wise to address their negativity directly. It is usually an internal issue that the spouse has to deal with.

5.) Denial

“Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” Psalm 86:11

No one likes to hear that their baby is ugly! I don’t mean to be cruel. What I mean is that we usually don’t like to hear the truth about ourselves. We rather cling to what makes us feel good.

Denial leads to married life problems. There’s no denying that. Denial makes you blind to your imperfections. In a way, you can say denial is a distant ‘cousin’ to pride in the sense that there is a blindness to one’s faults. When there is that blindness, then it becomes impossible to work on it, which then leads to your spouse suffering.

Solution: Becoming a better spouse often means being faced with areas in your life where you are not so great. Learn to embrace truth.

6.) Insecurity

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10

Marriage troubles caused by insecurity rarely have to do with our spouse. Typically, the insecurity that is giving your marriage problems was caused by whoever you dated before your spouse.

Let me guess. You dated someone that cheated, or lied frequently, and that led to your heart being broken?

What you didn’t realize is that you didn’t learn to fully trust again. Because of that, you now project your past insecurities in your current marriage. Your dating problem shouldn’t be your married problem.

Solution: Biblically speaking, faith can be defined as “trust in light of evidence.” In other words, you trust something based on the reliability of what you have seen so far.

For example, you have a car, get in the car, start the car, and drive that car to work five days a week. If for some reason, you had to go to work on that 6th day, based on the light of evidence (car starting up the previous 5 days) you have no reason to reasonably believe that your car wouldn’t start on that 6th day.

You deal with insecurities causing your marriage issues by understanding that it is your spouse’s consistency of character that should ease your insecurities. Your past should not be projected on your spouse.

7.) Defensiveness

“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.” Proverbs 12:11

You have to be able to tell your spouse that they are doing something that hurts you without them getting defensive. Many married couples face the challenge of being unable to share a fault with their spouse without their spouse getting defensive and someone turning it around on them.

Turning it around on them may include playing the ‘blame game’, playing ‘victim’, or giving the silent treatment. All these examples are examples of defensiveness because instead of at least considering what your spouse is saying to you, you immediately go into attack mode.

Solution: When your spouse attempts to talk to you about something that you are doing wrong, don’t immediately go on attack mode. Instead, PAUSE.

Pause and consider what you are hearing. What your spouse is telling you isn’t an attack on your entire character. What your spouse is telling you is simply one thing about you that can become better.

8.) Unfaithfulness

“Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. “ 1 Corinthians 7:5

Unfortunately, cheating happens in marriage. It sucks, and in a perfect world, with perfect people, it wouldn’t happen. Cheating shouldn’t happen, no person deserves to feel that type of heartbreak.

However, for this article, I want to take an unpopular approach. I’m not taking this approach simply to be controversial. This perspective needs to be addressed. I am going to attempt to defend the person cheating.

The Bible makes it clear that spouses should NOT refrain from sex with each other. Why? Because then, Satan will tempt you using sex. Stop. Don’t look for the rebuttal. Just seek to understand.

There is no excuse for cheating. But there are often reasons people cheat we can empathize with. It doesn’t make cheating right. It just makes it more understandable.

As imperfect humans, do we always think of the most righteous thing to do? Or do we usually think of dealing with the pain that we are currently feeling with some sort of immediate pleasure?

Husbands and wives cheating is NOT okay, but it happens, unfortunately, and we need to talk that marital problem by thoroughly addressing that reason.

Solution: That Scripture speaks loud enough. Husbands shall not deny wives the affection she needs from her husband. Nothing is a substitute for that. Wives shall not deny husbands their physical intimacy. There is no substitute for that.

9.) Secrecy

“Would not God discover this? For he knows the secrets of the heart.” Psalm 44:21

Everyone has secrets, right? Since everyone has secrets, why shouldn’t you have yours? Having that mentality leads to marriage problems. Problems in a marriage are rarely new problems. Sometimes those problems are problems that never get a chance to be talked about.

Many people think truth ends marriages. I personally believe that lies have destroyed way more marriages than truth has. Ending your struggles in marriage may be as simple as preventing yourself from keeping secrets. After all, if your action is something that has to be hidden, why commit the act in the first place?

Solution: It’s not easy being vulnerable, right? It’s not easy sharing a secret with someone knowing that the secret you share can be used against you. I get it. But, married couples biblically speaking are one flesh.

That truth alone reveals a level of intimacy that is to be sought after by married couples. We may not ever fully arrive at that destination, but we are to head in that direction. Take it day by day. Perhaps, reveal something new to your spouse every week and you two talk about it.

10.) Lies

“Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.” Colossians 3:9-10

Lies destroy trust in a marriage. Lies destroy marriages. “It’s just a little lie,” spouses say. Yet, if that same “little” lie was told to them, they would be outraged.

Solution: The solution to lying is simple. Keep in mind that, “honesty is the best policy.” Honesty doesn’t have to hurt your spouse’s feelings. Find different ways to approach being honest. Sure, you can tell your spouse that their breath stinks. Or, you can say, “sweetie your breath isn’t pleasant right now.”

Felice Mathieu is a Marriage Communication Coach, spoken word poet, and author of A Christian Marriage Guide: Preventing Arguments and Promoting Unity in the Christian Marriage. Check out more great insights from Felice at MarriageSharing.com, and follow Felice on Instagram and Facebook for more great marriage advice!